Humor
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.
After a good meal and a glass of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes said.
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Why, what does it tell YOU?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent."
A young couple decided to wed.
As the big day approached they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.
The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.
"Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage.
I love my fiancée, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my future wife will be put off by them."
"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed."
Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom.
"Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."
"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."
"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me."
Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth.
The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth.
Not a word," her mother affirmed.
Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try.
The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony.
Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well.
That is, until about six months later.
Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off.
Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed.
This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she immediately asks, "What on earth are you doing?"
"Oh, no!" he gasped in shock, "You've swallowed my sock!"
A woman went to doctors office.
She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained.
He had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you?
Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was *pregnant*?"
The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.
"I cured her hiccups though, didn't I?"
A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink.
As he stood by his car to drink his cola, he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on.
The other man came along behind and filled in the hole.
While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.
The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road.
"I can't stand this," said the man, tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.
"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"
"Well, we work for the county," one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up.
You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow.
"Normally there's three of us ... me, Rodney and Mike.
I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back.
Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean that Mike and me can't work."
Every year,Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair.
And every year, Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year, Martha would reply, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old.
If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance. "
Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal.
I'll take you both up for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you,
but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agreed, and up they went.
The pilot performed all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard.
He even does a nose dive, pulling up 15 feet above the ground, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, ...but ten dollars is ten dollars!"
After a good meal and a glass of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes said.
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Why, what does it tell YOU?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent."
A young couple decided to wed.
As the big day approached they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.
The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.
"Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage.
I love my fiancée, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my future wife will be put off by them."
"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed."
Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom.
"Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."
"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."
"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me."
Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth.
The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth.
Not a word," her mother affirmed.
Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try.
The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony.
Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well.
That is, until about six months later.
Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off.
Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed.
This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she immediately asks, "What on earth are you doing?"
"Oh, no!" he gasped in shock, "You've swallowed my sock!"
A woman went to doctors office.
She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained.
He had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you?
Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was *pregnant*?"
The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.
"I cured her hiccups though, didn't I?"
A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink.
As he stood by his car to drink his cola, he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on.
The other man came along behind and filled in the hole.
While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.
The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road.
"I can't stand this," said the man, tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.
"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"
"Well, we work for the county," one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up.
You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow.
"Normally there's three of us ... me, Rodney and Mike.
I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back.
Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean that Mike and me can't work."
Every year,Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair.
And every year, Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year, Martha would reply, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old.
If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance. "
Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal.
I'll take you both up for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you,
but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agreed, and up they went.
The pilot performed all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard.
He even does a nose dive, pulling up 15 feet above the ground, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, ...but ten dollars is ten dollars!"
